“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”
~ T.S. Eliot
One year ago today, this is where I am...In Colorado...Though I was supposed to be in Boston...
"I'm lying on the table at In Motion Rehab connected to the e-stim machine. This is where I've been everyday since injuring myself 10 days ago. My hope had been to get to the start of the 117th Boston Marathon, but my body had other plans. And so instead of running from Hopkinton to Boston on that pitch-perfect New England spring day, I 'run' 7.5 miles on an indoor track in the midst of a spring blizzard in Boulder - 13 laps to a mile - and I'm feeling pretty damn sorry for myself.
All I think that whole day is: "Dammit. I shouldn't be here!"
And as electricity pulses through my posterior, I hear about it. I hear Gene and Luz and Heather talking in the other room - there's a tone of disbelief, as I piece together what they're saying. Henry Guzman calls the office. His Lennox Hotel window overlooks one blast site.
Two bombs have just gone off near the finish of the Boston Marathon.
Instantly pictures of blood covered sidewalks, disembodied limbs and chaos begin circulating through the internet. I drive home through heavy snow, sobbing and shaking with grief and disbelief...
And that's been my general state all week. I have been unable really to deal with much this week. After the injury, then the loss of my 16 year old dog, the difficult days before Boston when I felt I should be there - and feeling that life is supposed to be good right now - and it isn't...and now this??? Enough already.
And for the rest of Monday I am inundated with calls, emails, messages, texts...neighbors knock on the front door - Some are friends who think I'm in Boston and check to see that I'm okay. Others send well meaning and heartfelt messages - "I'm so glad you aren't in Boston."..."You weren't meant to be there. You are where you should be."...
And all I can think, ALL I can think is, MY god. I wish I was there." ...
At first I lashed out, indignantly. How dare he! It hurt like a stab, like a most wounding insult, because clearly this 'change' was not a positive thing. And I became defensive like a scared animal being threatened. And then it hit me. He was right. I had changed. This year I've become someone different, and someone I haven't really liked. Oh, there's been glimpses, from time to time, of the deep-down me, but yes. For the most part I've become overly self critical and scared and nervous and envious and worried - about everything!
Don't get me wrong. It is NOT ALL about running and Boston and races, and bladdy-blah. And lots of other things figure into this as well. I am not all overwrought about races and obsessed about running to that extent - though it is an important part of my core-self, But, something changed last April - perhaps for many reasons. And running is often, but not always, my way of working this crap out.